


Emptiness

by whynot



Series: Gage and Bishop [7]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, M/M, Sexual Content, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-11 11:48:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12934647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whynot/pseuds/whynot





	Emptiness

He was such a shitty boyfriend. 

Talking with Nate had made him feel better, it really had. But Kay still felt like he needed time alone after what happened with Runner. So he wandered off, days ago. Now he was in the Commonwealth, down in the bar of a town devoted to everything considered a temptation. Charlie had chems lined up on the shelves like they were candy, and it took every thread of Kay's control not to use any. Especially since the emptiness was coming back.

That _fucking_ feeling. Like Kay was hollow, like his body was a vessel for chems to fill, a shell of a person that only had a purpose to be used. Who he was just felt like an echo now, bouncing off his ribs, clanging against his heart. What was it about Gage and the Nuka World Raiders that made him feel like he was more?

Was it even true? Or were they just a certain type of chem? Was the fulfillment that they gave him just a false sense of importance? Kay was too stupid to know.

"You liquored up, gov?" Charlie asked.

Kay looked up from his glass. "Huh? Guess so."

"Then maybe you'd like to do a job for me."

 

* * *

 

_"Batter up."_

Kay growled in annoyance, blood splattering onto his face as his bat struck the Triggerman's head. Runner's voice wouldn't stop, the flashbacks of every time he had Kay bash someone's head in, signaling him with that tiny phrase. Kay fucking hated when he'd make him do that. Most of the people didn't even deserve it.

He had been 20 when Runner started to keep him by his side during his little meetings. The first victim was a rookie who had no fucking business being with the Fiends. Too soft, too sweet, too naive. Kay had apologized to her before shattering her skull, and Runner forced him to his knees by his hair. Always his fucking hair. They used it as a rein, tossed him around by it. 

_"She didn't need your fuckin' pity, kid," Runner had told him, keeping Kay's neck craned by his grip on the dark strands. "What did it get her? Your bat to her head. Sorry don't mean shit to the dead."_

_"She wasn't dead yet," Kay responded, earning a thwack to the side of his head._

_"That bleeding heart of yours better run dry soon. I'm gettin' real tired of this merciful attitude." With his free hand, he swiped his thumb over the splatters on Kay's cheek, smearing the woman's blood over his flushed skin._

_"Sorry, boss," he offered, praying it was the right thing to say._

_Runner unbuckled his belt. "S'time to shut up now, kid. I know there's a better use for that mouth of yours." His grip tightened on Kay's hair._

He started shaving his head after that.

Kay struck another Triggerman, watched him slump to the ground. His chest felt fragile and thin against his pounding heart. He missed Gage. He wanted Gage with him, wanted the man to hold him, make him feel whole again. It felt like what was left of Kay was tied to him now.

Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. Empty, useless, broken, fucked up and _pathetic_.

 

 

A woman grabbed his hand on his way out of the Third Rail after he got his payment from Charlie.

"Well look at you," she smiled, running her hand up his arm. "Been a while since I've seen someone like you. Have a drink with me?"

Empty, fucked up. He wanted to feel something else. "How about we skip the drinks."

 

* * *

 

"Yes! God, _yes!_ Faster! _Harder!_ "

Kay straightened up, taking the woman's hips with him, and held her still as she clawed at the ground, her bare breasts scraping the grit. He stopped thrusting, kept still, focused on the way her legs shivered as she came. Once she went still he lowered her knees back to the ground, and the woman turned to press her back to the alley wall, chest heaving. Her shirt was rucked up, ripped.

"You didn't..." she panted, eyes darting to his cock.

He didn't want to come. Had no interest in it, didn't want to spend a single second more with this woman. "S'fine, sweetheart. Too drunk." He tucked himself back in his pants, already starting to soften. He got up from his knees and gave her a curt goodbye. 

Nate almost passed him when he emerged from the alleyway. "Bishop," he sighed, and his eyes looked beyond him to the woman still on her ass against the wall. Disappointment etched into his expression, reflected in his eyes. "Ah, Bishop..."

Kay moved around him to walk away, his scalp and the tips of his ears burning with shame. But Nate stopped him. The Director told Kellogg to give them some privacy, and waited for the man to walk away before speaking.

"Everyone's lookin' for you," Nate informed. "Mae called me on her p.i.p, said Gage is worried sick."

Something coiled inside his chest, and he started to walk away. "I ain't some fuckin' kid that needs a search party sent out when I disappear. I'm a grown-ass man, I can leave if I wanna."

Nate stopped him, brows furrowed. "What're you talkin' about? You left without telling anyone, and they haven't heard from you in days. They aren't treating you like you're a kid, they're responding to someone they care about suddenly being gone without any hint of a warning. They'd act the same way if it was anyone else..." He glanced at the woman as she left the alley, heading back to the Third Rail. She brushed her fingertips over Kay's arm as she passed, and the contact burned.

"You gotta tell Gage about this, y'know," Nate said lowly.

"Yeah? Just like you told your wife?" Kay regretted saying it, but he wouldn't take it back.

Nate's expression turned strangely passive, and something glinted in his eyes. Something cruel, something fucking mean. Nate knew exactly how to fire back, knew what to say so it would cut deep. But whatever it was, he didn't say it. Instead he responded, "I would've, but the world fucking ended, so." He shrugged. "Ain't nothin' out here that can save you from that certain conversation, though. You say you're a grown-ass man? Act like one. You can't just run away from shit."

A shallow breath pushed out of Kay, and he shook his head. "He's not gonna want me anymore."

Nate shifted his weight. "... Why'd you do it?"

"Didn't wanna use chems, but wanted... I dunno. To feel somethin'." Something settled heavy in his gut. "Fuck, he's gonna fuckin' hate me."

"I don't think Gage could hate you even if he wanted to." Nate held his gaze for a moment longer, then demanded, "Go home, Kay."

 

***

 

Gage stared at the ceiling through the darkness of their loft, not able to sleep. Every night without Bishop was like this. Less than three hours of sleep, no matter how tired he was. He missed Bishop's weight, his warmth, the way he draped an arm over Gage and brushed his thumb over his ribs. Gage felt cold without him, felt a strange sort of empty. Like Bishop had taken half of Gage's soul with him when he left. 

He closed his eyes. The kid could be in trouble. He could be hurt or scared or high, he could be lost or trapped. Gage knew that Bishop could take care of himself, but the possibility of something happening to him was driving him crazy.

The door creaked open, footsteps crossed the room, clothes fell to the floor and knees braced on either side of him. Gage opened his eyes, and relief filled him so quickly and so intensely that he felt like he'd fly apart.

"Hey, big man," Bishop whispered, soothing a hand up Gage's chest to cup his neck.

Gage started to sit up. "Where the fuck have—"

Bishop gently pushed him back down and settled beside him. "Not right now. Just..." He shifted closer. Gage nodded and turned onto his side, happiness replacing the blood in his veins when Bishop slid even closer, laying his head on Gage's bicep. Gage wrapped an arm around him and held him, trailing his fingers featherlight over his shoulder blade. Bishop's warmth soaked into him, and even though Gage wanted to stay awake and savor the feel of Bishop back in his arms, he fell asleep.

 

***

 

Kay woke up in Gage's arms, and he wondered if there had ever been anything that made him feel this good before. Even chems seemed like just a sugar rush compared to this.

He pressed his lips to Gage's, smiled when the kiss was returned moments later as Gage woke up. They stayed like that for a minute, getting their fill of each other before parting.

"You ready to talk?" Gage asked him.

That dampened Kay's excitement, had anxiety quickening his heartbeat. "I needed to be alone for a while."

"That's fine, Kay. I get it. But I need you to tell me before you up and disappear. You can do whatever the fuck you want, just don't walk out without warnin' me. What would you do if I just left without sayin' shit?"

Kay swallowed, his throat feeling tight. "... I really fucked up, big man."

"It's fine, kid—"

"No, not just with leavin'..." He pushed Gage onto his back and straddled him. "I... I was real messed up about shit. Started feelin' like I did before I met you. I made a bad call... slept with someone else." He added quickly, "I-I just needed to feel somethin' without chems. I know that's a shitty excuse, and I know I'm fuckin' trash for it. Just..." He couldn't ask Gage not to be mad about it. He had every right to be. "God, just don't leave me. Don't let me go. Anything but that. You can go sleep with someone else too, or-or you can knock some sense inta me. Fuck knows that I deserve that—"

"Never fuckin' say that again," Gage bit out, the hardness of his voice trapping a shiver in Kay's spine. "Never in my fuckin' life would I abuse you, Kay."

Kay retracted a bit. He'd never heard it put like that before. Was that even what it was? Abuse? That didn't sound right. Not when he deserved it. Right? 

"Do you really think I would?" Gage questioned.

Did he? No. Kay didn't think that. "I just want things to be right between us."

"They are. It ain't like I didn't do the same thing before. I slept with that trader, remember?"

He didn't want to. "We weren't actually together then. Were we?"

"You were mine and I was yours the moment we woke up together that first morning. We were fuckin' idiots to think it was any different. I'm not mad at you, Kay. Jealous? Fuck yes. But I ain't mad. I fucked someone to try and prove we didn't have anything, and you fucked someone to feel somethin'. We both fucked up."

Kay was relieved, but it didn't feel like this was how it was supposed to go. "We're really fuckin' bad at this."

Gage chuckled, sat up. "Yeah." He kissed Kay's jaw. "Did runnin' off help at all?"

"Not at all. Thought it would, but." He shrugged. "It kinda scares me, how much I need you. You make me feel like I'm more than I am."

"You are more. You're so much more than you think you are, Kay. And if I'm the one who makes you see that, so be it. Truth be told, I'm fuckin' ecstatic that it's me." Another kiss. "I need you, too."

Kay felt tears prick his eyes, so he hid his face against Gage's shoulder. "I don't fuckin' deserve you."

"Maybe. Personally I think you deserve a lot fuckin' more."

Kay smiled, shoved him down onto his back. "Sweet talker." He leaned down and kissed him, deep and slow. That emptiness and negativity he felt was gone now, replaced with a certain kind of warmth that Kay didn't want to live without. And he didn't have to, because for some weird reason, the guy still wanted him. "Wanna ride you," Kay told him, and Gage's hand lashed out to the nightstand so fast it startled him. Kay giggled and took the lube from him to slick Gage's cock himself. 

"Who did you fuck?" Gage asked him.

"Some woman that came on to me. Lost interest halfway through. Didn't even finish."

"Why'd you decide to come back?"

"Nate found me."

"Would you have came back on your own?"

"Always will." Kay shifted up on his knees and sunk down on Gage's cock. "Always."

Gage sat up again and kissed his throat, kept his lips against his pulse as Kay rolled his hips, meeting Gage's sluggish, deep thrusts."Missed you," Gage sighed.

Kay's heart swelled in his chest, and happiness had him forgetting what emptiness even felt like. So what if he needed Gage? He had him. Maybe Kay still didn't deserve him, maybe Gage saw more to him than there was, maybe...

No. Fuck the maybes. Certainty was all that really mattered. They loved each other, needed each other, were complete when they were together. Kay belonged to Gage, and Gage was his. That was it.

Whatever.


End file.
